"Life is hard enough. We really can't afford to be our own worse enemies" ~ Mary DeTurris Poust
This post was actually begun a few days ago - busy life (a retreat, my daughter's First Communion, and a meeting to wind up my field ed supervisee's year) put this on hold. The post but not the thoughts behind it, those God continued to shed light upon.
I am the queen of sabotage and self-fulfilling prophesy. If you want to beat me in any sports match, just get in my head - it doesn't take much and it is easy to do. Just ask my husband, who has even been successful in getting me to throw Wii bowling matches. Dieting and maintaining a healthy lifestyle are no different.
I began trying to lose what the BMI calculator tells me is an extra 25-30 pounds over a year ago. In that time, I have either gained or maintained my weight. I have no inward 'oomph' to make this happen, which is ironic given that I nearly melt into tears every time I try to get dressed in anything other than jeans! What is the barrier, why do I sabotage - that is today's question, and one I don't have a complete answer for. Though even if I had AN answer, it still would probably no be YOU answer.
As I mentioned, my daughter made her First Communion this weekend. That meant LOTS of photos, I wish they could have all been just of her - or my boys and her but I decided to put myself in the mix. Honestly, the image in the mirror at home, was not half bad. I liked the color of the dress, thought the sweater hid most of the 'problem areas' and before I left the house and into the wind, had a marginally okay hair day. Though I sort of lost the battle with the make-up due to the heat and humidity in my bedroom, but it was passable ... perhaps you've had similar 'pep talks' with yourself?
Then my hubby started to post the pictures on Facebook ... and THE HORROR set in!! OH my gosh, do I really look that *Fill In the Blank* ... and the tears well in the eyes.
So, there it is ... out there for everyone to see. However, what happened next astonished me - as I prayed and contemplated losing the weight and seeking some epiphany of motivation to do so. This came to me instead ...
Stop the negative thinking. Remove the word diet and overweight from you vocabulary. The sabotage comes from already not liking myself and then adding diet to the mix. This word is an obvious acknowledgment that there is something about me I want to change. It says I am not okay how I am or who I am - a person who has struggled to be a size or two less than what she actually is since she was 9 years old. Yes, I need to take better care of myself -eating right, exercising and getting enough sleep - but why do I have to frame it this truly negative self perception. In my heart, I felt certain God was saying focus on me and see what I CAN do --
I think it is time to finish Cravings - and hear what God is saying in those words, instead of pulling out the ones I only hear. Time to see that God wants me to fulfill these desires with Him, His Word, the Sacraments and not with the food and drink that I have allowed to rule the majority of thoughts for the last 38+ years!
What does your SABOTAGE look like?