Echoes of Eternity
Comparison. Assessing what I believe to be true about another and believe to be lacking in me. The battle in my heart with the desire to be who I was created to be, yet holding onto this never-ending fear I will never figure out who that is. There are days of clarity, times when I feel open to see where I am is where I am meant to be, and that I am accomplishing that which is meant just for me. Those usually follow days when I have been faithful to prayer, reading Scripture and participation in the Sacraments. Other days, more than most days unfortunately, I am worried, anxious and even discouraged. I look around the imagery circled up group of friends, acquaintances and even strangers and think, "wow they are doing greater, smarter, and holier things than I am or will ever be able to do."
Ideas I have that I can't make happen but others do - and instead of being happy that it is getting done, I feel sad it wasn't me. Focusing on my perceived inadequacies instead of the plethora of blessings God has bestowed upon me. The sin of failing to recognize and appreciate the beauty and strengths that is me. First comes the recognizing that my real shortcoming has nothing to do with what I do or don't do, what I accomplish or don't, it has to do with my heart. A heart that hurts when others succeed because I don't feel comfortable with myself. That is NOT who God created me to be, so no matter how much I accomplish professionally or personally, I'll never find what I believe I am seeking.
Today ... that above quote arrived in my email and it woke me from my recent spiritual slumber. What I have been experiencing, what I have allowed to crowd my thoughts ... pride, double-mindedness, and clearly self-absorption. Who is it I am looking to please, to impress - whose attention do I want? What are my motives? While I may say they are pure and for God's glory - and my want to believe that - these inward securities say the opposite. These insecurities and disappointments are telltale sign that adulation and recognition have become the reason and are shipwrecking my faith and feelings.
Eating attempts to fill the emptiness these disordered motives have created. Tuesday's confession cleared my spiritual eyes and ears - God's grace the fuel of picking up and starting again. Grateful for the healing effect of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Given forgiveness -- I rise again to seek first the Kingdom of God and HIS righteous (Matthew 5). Shaking the lies of the enemy, that I so easily eat up -- I rise again prepared to SEEK to fill myself with the abundant GRACE God continues to make available to me and not with chips, ice cream, and whatever else is lurking in my kitchen.
The sin of comparison is not only what brings me to food so often, but also what makes me feel so horrible about my body. Lord, I pray for the strength to seek YOU more often than I seek comfort in my cupboards.